"Cast Offed", Way to Die #132, is the third death featured in the episode "Hurry Up and Die", which aired on October 26, 2010.
Plot[]
Cooter was an old redneck and a worthless piece of trailer trash, he only cared about booze, guns and his welfare check, he drank, smoked and used guns, he even shot a little dog, luckily the little dog was able to escape while Cooter was laughing.
Before Cooter got too trashed he had to do a job, it was cold at night and he needed to use the wood splitter to get firewood, what a fool, Cooter was so trashed... that he broke his right arm, Cooter started screaming in pain and swearing.
James Lewellyn: I've worked around heavy machinery all my life. Probably a log splitter is one of the most dangerous. Some of these wood splitters, they're puttin' out 10, 15, 20 PSI right at the tip. It'll feel like getting your arm ran over by a M1 Abram's tank.
Cooter believed he was one of those self-sufficient red-blooded American guys and wasn't planning on spending any of that well-deserved welfare money to pay for a doctor, so Cooter got a cast on himself but by playing doctor he committed 2 Mistakes: 1. Didn't set the bone right and 2. Made the cast too tight.
A month later, Cooter was ready to take off his homemade cast, so he asked for help to his favorite illegitimate daughter, Tammy, Cooter planned to use a table saw to get the cast off, Tammy was scared and thought it was dangerous and tried to stop Cooter but Cooter turned on the table saw and did it himself, he liked power tools, if he broke his arm with a log splitter, maybe he could use a table saw to remove the cast, Cooter was sweating as he tried to get it right, the redneck gods smiled on the useless drunk who said to Tammy "See that? Told ya I was fine!"... and then the gods pulled his plug, when he took off the cast, the fat globules that came out of the marrow of his bone got into the bloodstream, went to his heart and caused a fatal embolism, he clutched his chest and fell dead, sending this worthless, mean-spirited drunk to Hell and leaving Tammy horrified with his corpse.
Narrator: The only thing to say about Cooter: he was a worthless, mean-spirited drunk. Y'all don't come back now, you hear?
Transcript[]
(Cooter drinks booze, [] is playing)
Narrator: Cooter, is a worthless piece of trailer trash.
Cooter: (Coughs)
(Cooter has his rifle out while smoking a cigarette)
Narrator: If he cared about anything it was booze, guns,
(Cooter shoots some empty food can)
-Cooter: (Laughs) -Narrator: and his welfare check.
-Cooter: Here, ya puppy. -Dog: (Barks)
(Cooter shoots the dog)
Cooter: (Laughs)
(Serious Suspense is playing)
Narrator: Before Cooter got too drunk...
(Cooter grabs a log and puts it to the log splitter)
Narrator: there was work to do. It gets cold around here at night, and he needed to hit the wood splitter for the fuel...
(Cooter weakens, Creepy Death is playing)
Narrator: make that, fool. He was so trashed...
(Cooter puts his right arm in the splitter and it breaks it just as easily as the log, no surprise)
Cooter: (Screams)
Narrator: he broke his arm instead.
Cooter: GOD DAMN!!! SON OF A BITCH!!!
(Dali's Dream Death is playing, replay of the log splitter spits the log, once Cooter weakens, breaks his arm by the splitter)
James Lewellyn: I've worked around heavy machinery all my life. Probably a log splitter is one of the most dangerous. Some of these wood splitters, they're puttin' out 10, 15, 20 PSI right at the tip.
(Footage of M1 Abrams tank)
James Lewellyn: It'll feel like getting your arm ran over by a M1 Abram's tank.
([] is playing, Cooter makes his own cast)
Narrator: Cooter saw himself as one of those red-blooded American do-it-yourselfers. And he wasn't about to waste some hard earned government welfare money on a doctor.
Cooter: It's a work of art.
(Month later... [] is playing)
Narrator: A month later, Cooter was ready to cut off his homemade cast.
(Cooter brings his daughter to help)
Narrator: He brought over his favorite illegitimate daughter, Tammy to help.
Cooter: See this thing here?
Tammy: Uh... yeah.
Cooter: There's the doctor.
(Cooter gets ready to turn on the table saw to remove the cast)
Tammy: WHAT!!? What are you doing!?
(Tammy tries to stop Cooter)
Cooter: We're gonna take this thing off. I need you to hold this.
(Cooter turns on the table saw)
Tammy: Cooter, Stop! Stop!
Narrator: Cooter had a thing for power tools. If he broke his arm with a log splitter, might as well use a table saw to remove the cast.
(Cooter sweats for try not to make the same mistake)
-Narrator: The redneck gods smiled down upon the useless drunk... -Cooter: Heh, heh, heh, heh!
(Cooter turns off the table saw and removes his cast, Suspense Procedural is playing)
Cooter: See that? Told ya I was fine!
Narrator: and then they pulled his plug.
(Cooter grabs his chest and falls, Appalachian Death is playing)
Tammy: Oh my god!
(Cooter dies, flashback of Cooter makes his homemade cast, Future Heartbeats is playing)
Narrator: When Cooter decided to play doctor, he made 2 mistakes: 1. He didn't set the bone marrow properly and 2. He made the cast too tight.
(CGI shows Cooter take off his homemade cast and fat globules exiting the marrow and finding his blood stream, goes up to his heart, and giving him an embolism)
Narrator: When he took it off, fat globules which were leaking from the marrow of his bone were finally released back into his bloodstream. They went straight to his heart, and caused a fatal embolism.
(Recap, Blues Death is playing)
Cooter: (is audibly heard giving a pained cackle as he falls to the ground)
Narrator: The only thing to say about Cooter: he was a worthless, mean-spirited drunk.
(Cooter shoots the dog)
Cooter: (Laughing) God damn you, bro!
(Cooter puts his arm in the splitter and breaks it)
Cooter: (Screams)
(After Cooter takes off his failed cast, he falls to death)
Narrator: (Southern accent) Y'all don't come back now, you hear?
Tammy: (Screams of horror)
Cast & Interviewees[]
- Tony Ketcham - Cooter (lead: Intended victim)
- Harmony Blossom - Tammy (Lead)
- James Lewellyn - Construction Worker
Trivia[]
tankr looks identical to the Grizzly tankr, Rhino Tank, Apocalypse Tank, Lasher Tank.
Foreign Names[]
- Desengessado (Cast Off) - Brazilian Portuguese dub
- Yeso Que Deja Tieso (Stiffening Cast) - Latin American Spanish dub
- Jugando a los médicos (Doctor Play) - European Spanish dub
Segment Nickname[]
- Boned Redneck
- Cast-astrophe
- Cast It Yourself