"Catch & Decease", Way to Die #608, is the second death to be featured in "Putting A Smiley Face On Death", which aired on September 14, 2010.
Plot[]
The man was born as Jeffrey Miller, but the natives called him Senhor Cuzo (now you know how to say "jackass" in Portuguese, no need to thank, guys), Jeff was an evil, unsympathetic, unpleasant and greedy man who came to the Amazon basin in Brazil in search of gold, hired a group of locals, treated them like a dirt and paid them almost nothing.
To beat the heat, Jeff went out for a swim, swimming usually makes you want to pee, Jeff decided to pee in the river and he was about to find out that the Amazon is full of creatures that can be nastier than him, while peeing Jeff felt something and suddenly started screaming in pain in his member, I present to you the candiru, Mr. Cuzo (the candiru is a small fish about the width of a pencil, they are attracted to urine and feces, they swim very fast, if you had your member exposed they would spread their fins and get into your urethra, they are very sharp, like a triple hook, they are really bad fish).
With the candiru's spikes inside his urethra Jeff was experiencing the worst pain imaginable, he had two options, leave the candiru where it was and risk needing an amputation or remove it and tear out the inside of his member, Jeff took a breath and pulled hard, he managed to get the candiru out although he destroyed his member and had some bleeding and collapsed into the river, anyone can tell they're having a bad day when they have the member torn to pieces isn't the worst thing going on, Jeff began to scream in pain and ask for help, the blood he lost attracted a voracious school of piranhas, who proceeded to eat him alive, Jeff saw his right arm reduced to the bones which horrified him, the piranhas dragged them underwater and devoured him alive, left him in to the bones, killing him and sending this odious scoundrel to hell where he belonged and freeing the locals who enjoyed and laughed at the suffering of their abusive employer.
Transcript[]
Narrator: He was born Jeffrey Miller.
Jeff: Find some gold, or you're not eating tonight!
Narrator: But the natives call him Senior Cuzo.
Jeff: Where's my gold, Miguel?
Narrator: Now you know how to say "jackass" in Portuguese.
Jeff: Dig faster!
Narrator: Jeff had come to Brazil's Amazon basin, searching for gold. He hired a bunch of locals, treated them like crap, and paid them next to nothing. To beat the heat, Jeff would cool off with a swim. Swimming often leads to peeing. Today, Jeff was about to find out the Amazon is filled with creatures even nastier than he.
Jeff: Aah. Aah! Damn it! Aah!
Local: Candiru.
Narrator: Say hello to a candiru, Mr. Cuzo.
Jules Sylvester: The candiru is a small fish, about the width of a pencil. And they're attracted by urine and feces. This fish gets up there very fast, throws out its pectoral fins, and locks itself in there. They're very sharp. It's like a triple hook. Bad fish. Bad fish.
Narrator: With the candiru's pectoral spines digging into his urethra, Jeff was experiencing the worst pain imaginable. He had two options: leave it in and risk amputation or pull it out and tear out the inside of his member. Jeff sucked it up and let it rip.
Jeff: Aah!
Narrator: You know you're having a bad day when a shredded penis is not the worst thing that happens.
(It's even worse...)
Jeff: Help me!!! HELP ME!!!
Narrator: The blood pouring out of little Jeff, attracted a ravenous school of piranha, who proceeded to eat him alive.
Jeff: DAHHH!!!
(Jeff sinks underwater, comes back as a bloodied skeleton, recap)
Narrator: Jeff came looking for gold, but a little fish swam up his pole. The yellow water turned bloody red... and before you knew it... Jeff... he dead.
Interviewees[]
- Mark Hanson - Jeffrey Miller (lead: intended victim)
- Jules Sylvester - Wildlife Expert
Goofs[]
- Factual Error: Cuzo isn't an actual word, the closest things to it are cu (asshole as in the part of the body) and cuzão (asshole as in the swear word).
Trivia[]
- Also called "No Candiru" on the Spike TV website.
- Jackass in Portuguese could also be "Burro" (pronounced Bu-ho).
- In the Brazilian dub, Jeff is called sr (short for senhor the word for mister) bundão (Mr. Jackass) because as previously stated cuzo isn't a real word.
- Recent studies have shown that piranhas are only interested in blood if the animal that loses it is smaller than the piranha, and that this species of fish likes eat dead or dying animals, plants or insects more than large animals such as humans. This death is a reference/parody to the death by piranhas created by movies and television. In a realistic version, maybe Jeff's death can be caused by the blood loss or the shock caused by lose this penis, similar to the death Boris Bititoff.
- Like a future death known as I Spy A Dead Guy, this is one of the deaths in the series where a victim is reduced to a skeleton in a certain circumstance.
- Jeff Miller's death is similar to that of Todd Dupree's death in Piranha 3D.
Segment Nicknames[]
- No Cadiru (Spike TV)
- Peeing Problems
- Cadiru's Pee-Pee Pain
- Cadiru-lized
Foreign Names[]
- Pescar la Muerte (Fishing Death) - Latin American Spanish dub
- Pescar y morir (Fish and Die) - European Spanish dub
- Isca de peixe (Fish Bait) - Brazilian Portuguese dub
- Fisch im Rohr (Fish in a Tube) - German dub
Gallery[]
