Chairway to Heaven

Way to Die #219

Chairway to Heaven

Name of the death is a pun on Led Zeppelin's song, "Stairway to Heaven"

Introcard
Deathcard

"There's a word for guys who abandon their families: deadbeat. But there's a simpler even better one for Mitch: dead." (US Version)
"There's a word for guys who abandon their families: cowards. But there's an even better one for Mitch: dead." (European Spanish Version; Translated)
"There's a word for guys who abandon their families: cowards. But there's a simpler word for Mitch: dead." (LAT Spanish Version; Translated)

Information

Date

November 20, 2003

Location

Milwaukee, Wisconsin

Episode this death was featured in

Stupid Is As Death Does

Deaths

Plot[]

As you know friends, there are a lot of losers on this show, but a guy who turns his back on his own family? I would like to kill him myself.

Mitch was an absolute jerk who left his wife and kids to "find himself" and we could find him drunk with his dumb, fat friend, Jacko. Mitch's wife, Terry, called him and told him that their daughter, Sophie, had a concert, and it means a lot to her that he was there, but it meant nothing to this bag of cow poop. Mitch lied and told Terry that he had to work all weekend, so she should go to the concert.

Mitch was only interested in fixing up his game room. Then, Mitch was fascinated when he found the last item missing from his palace, a pilot's seat from an old Soviet jet. Jacko was surprised and Mitch assured him that the seat was real, but what he didn't know was that the seat was also intact and ready to be used. Mitch sat down and started playing, but then Jacko asked him about a handle he had between his legs. Golden rule, guys: Never pull a handle without first knowing what it does. Mitchell pulled the handle and the rockets activated, launching him against the ceiling (the ejector seats were designed to get you out of a plane as soon as necessary. What you have to do is to pull the handle which is connected to a mechanism that has a counter. You have 0.5 seconds, then the rockets light up that takes you through the roof of the plane, and you can rise 200 feet in a couple of seconds). Mitch only rose about 10 feet, he crashed into the ceiling and went through it, his skull cracked like an egg and his brain scrambled, killing him and sending this diabolical deadbeat to Hell for his crime against the family, leaving Jacko shocked.

"Turns out the fighter jet seat was not only authentic, it was hot; as in, ready to launch."

Transcript[]

Narrator: We get a lot of losers on the show. But a guy who turns his back on his own family? I’d like to kill him myself.

Narrator: Mitch left his wife and kid, in order to "find" himself".

Jocko: Wah, wah, wah, wah, wha.

Narrator: And now he can be "found" just getting drunk and wasted with his dumb, fat friend Jocko.

Terry: It's Sophie's recital and you know how much it means to her.

Narrator: But it meant nothing to this selfish bag of pig excrement.

Mitch: I have to work the whole weekend, alright? Deal with it.

Narrator: The only thing Mitch cared about was setting up his new guy pad.

Mitch: Oh!

Narrator: Mitch was stoked. He found the one piece of furniture that tied the whole room together.

Jocko: What is that thing?

Narrator: A pilot's seat from an old Soviet fighter jet.

Jocko: Are you serious?

Mitch: It's the real thing, bro.

Jocko: (Laughs)

Narrator: Mitch plopped down in his "Top Gun" lounge chair for a test drive.

Jocko: Dude, what's that thing there between your legs?

Narrator: Rule of thumb: Whenever someone asks "What does this lever do?" never, EVER, pull it.

Jocko: Dude! Mitchell?!

Narrator: Turns out the fighter jet seat was not only authentic, it was hot; as in, ready to launch.

Jocko: What the hell?! Mitch!

Eddie Paul: Ejector seats are a lot easier to get than you think. They're supposed to be demilitarized, which means they take the rockets out and make them inert, but a lot of 'em, people get lazy and don't take the rockets out, and surplus stores sometimes sell live seats. I made three phone calls and found three seats in less than an hour that were live.

Jocko: Dude! Mitch-!

Eddie Paul: Ejector seats were designed to get you out an airplane as fast as possible. You pull a mechanism that has a timer on it. The first timer blows your cockpit off. You have half a second. Then it starts firing off the rockets, which shoots you up a set of rails and out of the aircraft. You can go 200 feet high in a couple of seconds.

Narrator: Mitch only made it about ten. His skull cracked like an egg, his brains scrambled

(Recap)

Narrator: There's a word for guys who abandon their families: deadbeat.

Mitch: I got to work for whole weekend, alright? So, deal with it.

Narrator: But there's a simpler even better one for Mitch: dead.

Alternative Description[]

Description as seen on Spike TV's website

"A family man ditches his family for the bachelor life, but while building his ultimate man-cave, he makes the fatal mistake of buying a seat from an old F-16 fighter... with the ejector rockets still live."

Alternative Name[]

Also known as "Ouch Potato" on Spike TV's website

Trivia/Goofs[]

Anachronism: Mitch uses an iPhone in one part of the segment. Much like Text Dead, iPhones were commercially available until 2007, the year of its release.
- However, it's supposed to be Nokia, but Spike tv refuses to get it, making this segment so pointless.
Anachronism: Mitch's friend is playing Guitar Hero, which would've been impossible to exist / own as it wasn't on the market until 2005.
The death name "Chairway To Heaven" is very misleading, since it seems to say Mitch was innocent, even though, as someone who leaves his wife and kids to get wasted with a dumb friend, he is a bad person and would go to hell.
- However, the creator of the pun put this title for Led Zepplin's signature song. If they'd mix with AC/DC's Highway to Hell, the title would be "Chairway to Hell".
- Even Latin American Spanish's name dub was also misleading too.