(Logo splats)
Background voice:nobody's wrong when they say crestview florida has more deaths than every other place*the victims are shown in 7 different rectangles*the following are not born there;there's the stomach ache who bit into an accidental veggie let's see the duggee fan who ended his happy friendship Or maybe the monkey heart who got chimped let's meet The nautical nonsense between a guy & and octopus how about the guy who crossed the lane the comedian who got set up & finally the guard who was wrongfully executed;let's face it if Crestview wasn't such tragic she wouldn't give us the next episode of 1000 ways to die*the lakeesh gets punched in the Ribs as the shadow appears & the heart shows the logo*
Background voice (megaphone):warning the stories Portrayed in this show are based on real deaths & are extremely graphic names have been changed to protection the identities With no actors of the Deceased some of the dead were unlucky many were bored most were incredibly stupid Do not attempt to try any of the actions depicted;you will........die
Background voice:death........is everywhere most of us try to avoid it other can't get out of it way every day we fight a new war against germs toxins injury illness & other catastrophe there's a lot of ways to end up dead the fact that we survive it all is a miracle cause everyday we live we face........1000 ways to die
(Date:june 6th location:zoo)
Daril:OK so it come to my attention you wanted to adopt an ape well the 1 who likes you every time you visit is yours
Marip:yea & I wanted to Call her tippy;chimps are my most favourite
Daril:well tippy as you name her isn't a chimP she's a gorilla;she might not be walking on her hands like all gorillas do but she's still a gorilla she hasn't learned much
Marip:i have plenty of bananas for her daily meals even a banana split & banana drinks
Daril:very good:i've NEVER had a friend so eazy to trust
Jules sylvester:it's usually hard to interpret chimos from gorillas as they're both black & they're apes but chimos are more of monkeys despite not having a tail
Marip:ok girl let's go
Background voice:daril may have been marip's best friend but she was bad at telling differences she has a goid attitude in the process tho
Marip:that was a good banana salad wasn't it tippy;this is gonna sound weird but do you wanna play a game
Background voice:primates think like humans which all don't always come from them in this caseher pet monkey knew all about games
Marip:do ya know how to play judo?*tippy nods*OK let's play
Background voice:this death isn't the monkey's fault it's nobody's but when daril was talking to marip about the adoption she didn't explain the real details about tippy she literally was a chimp & chimp are the smartest of all primates
MARIP:OK SHOW ME WHAT YOU CAN DO*SHE RUNS & TIPPY GRABS HER & THROWS HER LIKE IN THE JUDO GAME IS SAID TO BE DONE BUT SUDDENLY SHE IS HIT ON THE WALL & THEN HER CRYSTAL BOULDER HITS HER & SHE FALLS DEAD*
LESLIE KOBAYASHI:THIS GIRL HAD A SOFT SPOT ON HER HEAD SPECIFICALLY NEAR HER SKULL SO WHEN TIPPY PUSHED HER FORWARD THE WALL SQUASHED HER BRAIN BUT THAT DIDN'T KILL HER THE CRYSTAL BOULDER SMOOSHED HER SKULL & DIED OF BRAIN HEMMORAGE*TIPPY IS SHOWN CRYING & MOURNING OF HER CORPSE*
BACKGROUND VOICE:LESSON LEARNED IF YOU'RE TRICKED OVER ANIMAL BREEDS DON'T LET THE BREED FOOL YA MARIP MAY NOT HAVE DONE THAT BUT SHE LEARNED TO NEVER JUDO WITH A CLEVER ANIMAL LIKE A CHIMP
NEVAEH:COME ON TIPPY LET'S BRING YOU TO THE FUNERAL GARDEN & YOU CAN GO TO HEAVEN WITH HER
(WAY TO DIE #37 WHAT THE CHIMP)
(DATE:SEPTEMBER 30TH location:MACON GEORGIA)
Background voice:gluten allergies are 1 of the rarest allergies wherever;Morton tom or as some call him Morton which is a girl's name;his best friend gortom
Gortom:hey guys what's up*the waiter comes over*
Loptom:oh hey gortom what would you like today
Gortom:oh just a chocolate cake topped with icing over fondant i had celiac disease at age 6 but soon we found out it wasn't gluten at all we don't know what it was
LOPTOM:YA KNOW YOUR BEST FRIEND MORTON LIKES BAKING BUT HE MOSTLY EATS VEGGIES
GORTOM:YEA HE'S ALSO DIABETIC;HI MORTONTOM*HE WAVES AT GORTOM*DOES HE EAT MORE THAN ONCE DURING WORK
LOPTOM:YEA HE EATS VEGGIES WHILE BAKING TO HELP KEEP UP HIS STRENGTH AS HE REMAINS HIS INSULIN;THE DOCTORS ARE DOING EVERYTHING THEY CAN TO CURE HIS MEDICAL CONDITION
BOYD FLINDERS:LOTS OF CRITTERS SAY THAT IF YOU TAKE A MEDICINE WHILE ON CELIAC DISEASE IT'S PROVEN TO BRING DOWN YOUR GLUTEN ALLERGIES BUT THAT IS A GOOD POINT CAUSE IT'S EASIER THAN AVOIDING THE FOODS YOU LOVE I WOULD'VE DONE THE SAME IF I COULDN'T EAT GLUTEN IF YOU'RE CURIOUS OF WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE I'LL SHOW YOU IN A VIDEO
BACKGROUND VOICE:LOPTOM NOT ONLY LOVED HIS FRIEND'S CAKE HE NEVER STOPPED GOING TO HIS BAKERY;MORTON HAS BEEN RUNNING HIS BUSINESS FOR YRS
LOPTOM:I HOPE HE NEVER STOPS MAKING CAKES HE'S PUT HIS BFF POISON IN THESE YUMMY THINGS*BITES INTO THE SLICE OF CAKE*I'LL NEVER STOP GOING TO HIS PLACE FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE
BACKGROUND VOICE:MORTON'S CAKE WAS FINISHED AFTER A FEW DAYS BUT FOR A FEW DAYS*LOPTOM HAS A COUGHING FIT*HE WAS ALL COUGHY*A FEW SECONDS LATER MORTON CALLS ON HIS FAX*
LOPTOM:HEY MORTON WHAT'S UP........I'M FINE JUST COUGHING A LOT I KNOW YOU DON'T PUT ANYTHING BAD IN YOUR CAKES........GLUTEN OVERDOSE? I DON'T EAT THAT MUCH GLUTEN (BACKGROUND VOICE:LOPTOM TRIES TO HOLD HIS BREATH BUT SUDDENLY) I'LL STOP COUGHING SOON HOPEFULLY OH BY THE WAY IF I STOP LIVING 1 DAY I WANNA BE A DOLL TO YOU SO I'LL STILL ALWAYS EAT YOUR CAKES & ONLY YOUR CAKES*HE FALLS TO THE GROUND DEAD*
BACKGROUND VOICE:HIS BAKERY VISITS ARE OVER;IT CERTAINLY WASN'T A GLUTEN OVERDOSE THAT MADE LOPTOM COUGH LIKE THAT;WHEN WORKING ON HIS CAKE FOR LOPTOM MORTON ACCIDENTALLY GOT GREEN DOTS FROM HIS BROCCOLI INTO THE CAKE;THIS ISN'T WHAT KILLED HIM BUT WHEN HE FELL FORWARDLY SIDEWAYS HE FELL FACE 1ST ONTO A BLUNT OBJECT;BROCCOLI IS USUALLY NOT LOVED BY MORE THAN A VERY RARE AMOUNT OF CRITTERS BUT IT'S MEANT TO BE HEALTHY UNLESS YOU'RE ALLERGIC
LYDIA LAM:WHEN THE CAKE CONSUMER BIT INTO THE BROCCOLI IN MORTON'S CAKE HE DIDN'T GO INTO ANAPHOLACTIC SHOCK BUT HE HAD A COUGHING FIT AS HE FIT HIS FACE ON THIS BLUNT OBJECT WHICH BLUNT MEANS HARD OR EVEN UNBREAKABLE HIS NOSE WAS SQUASHED & HIS BONES WERE FRACTURED & WAS DEAD FAST
BACKGROUND VOICE:LOPTOM WAS A GLUTEN ADDICT WHO WAS ALL ABOUT HIS FRIEND;BUT AS HE BIT INTO A VEGAN DESSERT HIS FRIEND'S INSULIN WILL BE LOST WITH HIS TEARS & HE'LL GO TO HEAVEN WITH HIM;HOW DO YA LIKE THAT LOPTOM NOW YOU CAN BE THE DOLL YOU WANTED TO BE & EAT AS MUCH CAKE AS YOU WANT THAN YOU DID? (MORTONTON (THRU FAX):LOPTOM ARE YOU OK? BEST FRIEND)
(WAY TO DIE #89 SLAYER CAKE)
BACKGROUND VOICE:UP NEXT THE ACT OF YOUR LIFETIME GOES ARWY & AN EXECUTION GOES FATALLY WRONG
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(DATE:MARCH 7TH LOCATION:MSP IN PLYMOUTH) (DUE TO THE ORIGINAL TYPINGS DELETING THEMSELVES MAJORITY OF THIS EPISODE/SEGMENT (& THE NEXT 1) IS PRESENTED IN UK VERSION & WILL BE AIRED THAT WAY)
HORACE:SO READY TO GO TO HELL?
LEO (FROM DEAD FELLA):PLEASE DON'T DO THIS I'LL NEVER ME A HITMAN OR MOBSTER AGAIN (HE SAYS THIS IN THE UK VERSION AS IT'S IN A DIFFERENT SENTENCE)
HORACE:TOO BAD YOU'RE GONNA DIE & THAT'S FINAL (UK VERSION)
LEO:PLEASE I'LL DO ANYTHING TO PROVE I'M HARMLESS (UK VERSION)
HORACE:ALRIGHT FINE BUT YOU ONLY GET 1 CHANCE MISTER (UK VERSION;I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I TYPED ORIGINALLY BUT IT ERASED ITSELF AS MY LAPTOP DIED BUT WHATEVER THEY WERE THEY'RE THE US VERSION)
AMY MERTENS (THE ORIGINAL INTERVIEWEES PROBABLY DEMISED (DUH-MICED/DIM-ICED):DEATH ROW HAS BEEN AROUND FOR A LONG TIME BUT WE'RE TRYING TO PUT AN END TO IT EVERYWHERE CAUSE WE LEARNED THAT THESE TYPES OF PUNISHMENT INCLUDING JAILS & JUVENILE HALL IS GONNA MAKE STUFF WORSE & WE NEED TO GIVE OUR CRIMINALS & BORN-INNOCENT CRITTERS LIKE NEVAEH A CHANCE TO PROVE THEY'RE HARMLESS & NEVER NAUGHTY (UK VERSION)
BACKGROUND VOICE:OFFICER HORACE HAS BEEN A GUARD FOR YRS & HE'S KNOWN ALL THE RULES BEFORE AS HE'S VISIT JAILS & PRISONS & EVEN WATCHING EXECUTIONS;UNLIKE HIS FRIENDS WHICH WERE HIS PRISON MATES HE'S THE STRICTEST OUT OF THEM ALL & HE HAD MORE THAN 3 MATES;BUT AFTER 2 RUNS WITH THEOTOM'S EXECUTION AFTER LEO'S HE LOST IT (UK VERSION)
HORACE:OK YOU ASKED FOR IT*TRIES TO SAW HIM BUT THE LAWYER HALTS* (UK)
LAWYER:WOAH DUDE RELAX;LET'S GIVE HIM A CHANCE TO PROVE HIMSELF (UK)
HORACE:OK LAWYER O MINE (UK)
SALTOM AKA GUARD #2:WELL THAT'S OUR LAST EXECUTION OF THE DAY;WHAT SHOULD WE DO AFTER DEATH ROW GOES OUT OF BUSINESS
HORACE:WE COULD MAKE THE DEATH CHAMBER LIKE A MUSEUM & KEEP EVERYTHING ON DISPLAY OR EVEN BETTER WE COULD ALL USE SAWS ON THEM
NELTOM AKA GUARD #4:DUDE YOU ARE CRAZY (HE SAID ARE IN THE UK VERSION)
MANDRELL:YEA YOU'RE LUCKY YOU DON'T HAVE A CRIMINAL RECORD YOU WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN ON THIS POSITION
HORACE (HORACE IS HIS LAST NAME):I MIGHT NOT BE A CRIMINAL BUT I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THE CHANCE WITH THESE OTHER CRIMINALS OUR WORLD NEEDS TO BE A SUCCESS NOT A TRAGIC;WHEN I DIE I WANNA BE DISPLAYED IN ALL MUSEUMS EVERYWHERE SO THAT WAY WHEN THEY SEE ME I WILL BE NOTICED
PINTOM:I HATE THAT GUY
HARRYTOM:I KNOW RIGHT;YOU'RE NOT THE 1ST TO GET ACCUSED SOME GUY DID A ROBBERY AT THE SHOPPED & GAVE HIS STUFF TO ME JUST SO I CAN BE ACCUSED (UK VERSION)*THE NEXT MORNING PINTOM WAKES UP & HORACE WALKS OVER*
BACKGROUND VOICE:PINTOM'S EXECUTION WAS EARLY IN THE MORNING & HORACE HOPED IT WOULD GO RIGHT
PINTOM:HEY SIR CAN HARRYTOM WATCH ME HE WANTS TO WATCH ME DIE*HARRYTOM IS SEEN CRYING*
HORACE:I SUPPOSE HE COULD & DON'T CALL ME MAN THAT MAKES ME FEEL OLD*AFTER 2 RUNS OF ELECTRICITY PINTOM DOESN'T DIE*
PINTOM:SO NOW THAT I'M STILL ALIVE CAN YOU LET ME GO (UK VERSION)
HORACE;YOU CAN PROVE YOURSELF ALL YOU WANT BUT NO MATTER HOW INNOCENT YOU ARE YOU ARE NOT LEAVING THIS PRISON
HARRYTOM:OH DUDE I'D THOUGHT I'D LOSE YOU FOREVER HORACE CAN I HAVE MY EXECUTION CANCELLED AS WELL (UK)
HORACE:SURE WHY NOT
CHIEF:OK GUARDS OFFICERS & COPS ARE YA READY TO GO HOME
HORACE:HEY CHIEF WOULD YOU PAY ME MORE TO STAY OVERNIGHT & WATCH OLD SPARKY
CHIEF:OF COURSE (UK VERSION) MY TRUSTABLE GUARD LEADER
HORACE:EVEN FOR A STRICT GUARD HE NEVER DESERVED REVENGE*HORACE SLEEPS ON OLD SPARKY;AS PINTOM STRAPS HIM & HARRYTOM PUTS THE ELECTRIC HAT ON HIM HE DOESN'T FEEL ANYTHING BUT HE'S GONNA FEEL ELECTRICITY IN MANY MOMENTS;THEY CARELESSLY DON'T WET THE SPONGE* (UK VERSION)
BACKGROUND VOICE:THIS REVENGE WASN'T GOING RIGHT SO WHEN PINTOM FLIPPED THE SWITCH........*HE DOES SO & HORACE IS ELECTROCUTED WAKING HIM UP IN THE PROCESS* (UK)
HARRYTOM:ALRIGHT DUDE HE'S GONNA GET WHAT'S COMING TO HIM*WITHING A FEW MINUTES WHILE STILL ELECTROCUTED HE STARTS GETTING FIRED*
JASON ROMEO:WHEN YOU DON'T WET THE SPONGE DURING THE ELECTRIC CHAIR YOU CAN BURN TO DEATH SO NOT ONLY WAS THE PRISON GUARD ELECTROCUTED FATALLY BUT HE WAS BURNED ALL OVER HIS BODY & DIED FROM ELECTRICAL BURNS (UK VERSION)
BACKGROUND VOICE:THE NEXT MORNING AFTER HOSING THEY DISCOVERED........*EVERYONE INCLUDING THE GUARDS CHIEF & LAWYER ARE SHOCKED TO SEE THE POOR GUARD IN HIS CORPSE*AFTER CHECKING THE SURVEILLANCE TAPE THEY KNEW WHO WAS RESPONSIBLE
CHIEF:YOU 2 ARE GONNA GO TO JUVENILE HALL FOR 1 MONTH & BACK HOME (UK);FEEL FREE TO SAY YOUR FAREWELLS TO HORACE
BACKGROUND VOICE:HORACE WAS THE BESTEST OUT OF EVERY ITON FIST BUT HE COULD'VE BEEN LESS HARSH (STRICT IN THE UK VERSION) FOR A GUARD BUT ONCE HE SAT IN OLD SPARKY HE WAS IN DEAD HEAT
HARRYTOM:WELCOME TO HELL HORACE YOU CAN TORCHER CRIMINALS AS LONG AS YOU'D LIKE
PINTOM:THERE'S ALWAYS A GOD IN MUSEUMS FOR YOU*EVERYONE LEAVES IN DISMAY*
(WAY TO DIE #32 ELECTRICAL DALMATION)
(DATE:JANUARY 30TH (UK DATE) BOLIXI MS)
LAKEESH CKA MIRA (4 FRIENDS ARE WATCHING FROM A DISTANCE):WELL THIS IS STUPID I'M NOT MAKING MUCH CASH EVEN WHEN I ADD NEW ACTS I DON'T MAKE MUCH I NEED A NEW APPROACH (UK VERSION)
LESLIE (RED DRESS):POOR MIRA SHE'S POSSIBLY THE BEST NOTABLE COMEDIAN OUR HEARTS HAVE HAD SHE SHOULDN'T NEED TO GET PAID LESS
ALTOM (UK NAME) (HE'S SIMILAR TO STEVEN BURSTIEN THE GERMITISH DOCTOR BUT HE'S NOT IN HIS FAMILY NOR IS HE PORTRAYED BY HIM):IF ONLY THERE WAS A WAY TO HELP HER
DAIRILLTOM:I WOULD BUILD HER A MACHINE THAT CAUSES COMEDY BUT I GET PAID LESS AS WELL SO THERE'S NO PT (UK VERSION)
DIESKAY (SHE'S SIMILAR TO THE GIRL FROM ADAM RUINS EVERYTHING BUT SHE'S NOT PORTRAYED OR IN HER FAMILY):WELL GET OUT THERE & BUILD THAT MACHINE (UK VERSION)
FIFI LARUE:I MIGHT BE A KILLER CLOWN BUT MY KILL IDENTITY IS SECRET BUT I'M HARMLESS ON THE INSIDE I SOMETIMES THINK ABOUT KILLING CHILDREN CAUSE I DON'T LIKE'M (UK)
BACKGROUND VOICE:IT WAS TIME FOR THE NEXT ACT OF LAKEESH & MIRA WAS HOPING TO GET RICHER THAN SHE DOES DAILY (UK)
LESLIE:YOU GOT THAT MACHINE (UK)
DAIRILLTOM:YEA
ALTOM:HI MIRA COULD WE WATCH YOU FROM ON THE STAGE WE WANNA SEE YOU UP CLOSE
MIRA:OF COURSE ANYBODY CAN STAND UP THERE AFTER ALL I DO RUN THIS STAGE (UK)
BACKGROUND VOICE:AFTER MANY USUAL ACTS & MANY NEWER 1'S MIRA WAS READY FOR THE BIGGEST OF HER LIFE (UK)
MIRA:OK EVERYONE I'M READY TO SHOW YOU A FINALE OF THE DAY (UK)
GUY IN AUDIENCE:HEY MIRA ARE YOU GONNA USE THAT MACHINE FOR THIS 1
MIRA (NOTICING DAIRILLTOM'S MCHINE):HUH YA KNOW I DON'T REMEMBER HAVING THIS;LET'S TRY IT OUT*PRESSES THE PIE BUTTON WHICH SPLAHES PIE IN HER HAIR & SHE EATS IT ANYWAY*PLEASE MAKE ME A FRESH 1 FOR LATER*PRESSES THE HORN BUTTON & THE HORN STARTLES HER MUCH TO THE AMUSEMENT OF THE AUDIENCE SAME THE AIR HORN;SHE THEN PRESSES THE FART BUTTON WHICH FART SPRAY IS AT HER & THEY GIGGLE*THIS THING IS GREAT I SHOULD USE IT MORE OFTEN;I'M DEFINITELY GONNA GET A RAISE (UK)
PALTOM (UK NAME) (DAIRILLTOM'S BOSS):I'M GONNA RAISE DAIRILLTOM'S PAYMENT FOR THIS (UK)
MIRA:NOW WHAT DOES THIS LAST BUTTON DO*PRESSES IT WHICH HAPPENS TO BE THE BOXER BUTTON OR IN THIS CASE PUNCH BUTTON;IT STARTS PUNCHING & MIRA TRIES AVOIDING IT AS EVERYONE GIGGLES* (UK)
DAIRILLTOM:DARN IT I SHOULDN'T HAVE PUT THE BOXER IN THERE
LESLIE:ARE YOU KIDDING IT'S FUNNY
BACKGROUND VOICE:IT WAS ABOUT TO WRAP UP FATALLY*THE GADGET PUNCHES IN THE AIR 3 TIMES BUT ON THE 4TH SHE PUNCHES MIRA IN THE RIB WHICH CAUSES HER PAIN & THIS TIME ONLY LESLIE DIESKAY & ALTOM ARE GIGGLING*
DAIRILLTOM:I DO NOT LIKE THE LOOK OF THIS
LESLIE:WHY SHE'LL LAUGH AFTER HER PAIN IS DONE
DAIRILLTOM;I DON'T THINK SHE'S GONNA BE LAUGHING FOR LONG LOOK*SHE COLLAPSES DEAD FROM THE PRESSURE OF THE PUNCH*
BACKGROUND VOICE:WELL DAIRILLTOM MIGHT HAVE WON EXTRA PAYMENT BUT HE'S GONNA BE HATED IN THE PROCESS;HOWEVER THIS WASN'T HIS FAULT HE WASN'T TOLD THAT MIRA HAD A SOFT SPOT IN MULTIPLE PARTS IN HER SENSITIVE RIBS
BOYD FLINDERS:WHEN YOU HAVE SENSITIVE BODY PARTS IT'S A CHANCE YOU CAN FEEL INTENSE PAIN BUT IN THIS SITUATION MIRA WAS PUNCHED NEAR THE MOST FRAGILE PART OF HER RIBS SO WHEN THE CONTRAPTION PUNCHED HER DIRECTLY THERE THE PIECE OF IT PUNCTURED THE LUNGS & HEART & SHE DIED AS ALL HER LUNG BLOOD WAS WASTED OUT
BACKGROUND VOICE:IT'S NOT FUNNY TO SET UP A COMEDY ESPECIALLY FOR A POOR GIRL WELL......AT LEAST THEY TRIED
(WAY TO DIE #435 FUNNY BONED)
BACKGROUND VOICE:COMING UP A LIVE SHOWS MAKES HAPPY LOSE HIS CHEERFUL LIFE
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
(DATE:MAY 8TH LOCATION:LITTLE ROCK AR)
BACKGROUND VOICE:DID YOU KNOW NICK JR ISN'T JUST FOR KIDS? TEENS TWEENS & EVEN ADULTS CAN SEE THEM;HOPOTOM LOVED NOTHING MORE THAN KIDS SHOWS;HE'S BEEN TO ALMOST EVERY LIVE SHOW;THERE'S ONLY 1 THAT HASN'T BEEN SEEN
ADAM LONGWORTH:ME GRANT & SUZANNE PLAY GREAT AS TAG'S MUM BUT LUCY MONTGOMERY PLAYED TERRIBLE AS HER & SHE'S BETTER AS HENNIE IN FACT;IF I CAN COOK I CAN BE A STAR OF VOICES
BACKGROUND:THERE WAS 1 THING ABOUT HIS LOVE FOR DUGGEE YOU SHOULD KNOW ABOUT;UNLIKE ALL THE OTHER CHARACTERS HAPPY WAS HIS FAVOURITE;THE NEXT DAY AT THE LIVE SHOW WAS GONNA BE THE TIME OF HIS LIFE
SUZANNE BURTISH:SO HOPO WHAT'S YOUR LOVE FOR DUGGEE
HOPOTOM:WELL YOU MIGHT NOT BE AWARE OF THIS BUT I WANNA TELL YOU THAT HAPPY IS MY ONLY FAVOURITE CHARACTER NOT THAT I DON'T LIKE THE OTHERS BUT I CARE FOR HAPPY MORE THAN I DO THEM I TOTALLY LOST IT WHEN I FOUND OUT THAT LUCY MONTGOMERY PLAYED TAG'S MUM
SUZANNE:WELL WE SUPPORT YOUR OPINION & WE HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU*HAPPY THE CROCODILE IS BROUGHT BY HIS FRIENDS IVOR & NORRIE'S DAD*
HOPOTOM;OH MY GOD HAPPY CROCODILE I LOVE HIM*EVERYONE CHEERS*
HAPPY:HOPO WHY EXACTLY DO YOU ONLY LOVE ME IF YOU'RE A FAN OF THE SHOW
HOPOTOM:I DON'T KNOW BUT I GET EXCITED EVERYTIME I SEE YOU & IF IT WASN'T FOR YOUR DIRECT PERSONALITY & LEADERSHIP I WOULDN'T GIVE YOU SUPPORT;I WAS THINKING ABOUT DOING MY OWN KIDS SHOW & MAKE CASH CAUSE I'VE HAVEN'T GOT A REAL JOB SINCE I QUIT MY JOB AS A SUBMARINE INSPECTOR
HAPPY;WELL I'D LIKE TO BE IN YOUR SHOWS
HOPOTOM:GREAT I JUST NEED TO FIND A WAY TO GET A PLACE CONSTRUCTED FOR MYSELF;ALSO WHEN I DIE I WANNA BE IN YOUR FRIEND'S CLUBHOUSE SO WHENEVER I SEE YOU YOU'LL BE MY FAN
BACKGROUND VOICE;THIS BOND IS A PICTURE OF TRANQUILITY & HARMONY UNTIL........SOME JERK DECIDES TO STOP THE LIFE OUT OF JEALOUSY
HOPOTOM:hey what's your problem are you a murderer
Peetom honey frankstill:no I'm not a murderer but ya know I signed up to meet happy & you are a VIP who 1st gets it?
Hopotom:prepare to be tackled*they start attacking each other & happy gets rated & pulls peetom away from hopotom*
HAPPY:BACK OFF & GET OFF*PUSHES THE GUY IN SELF DEFENSE WHICH KILLS HOPOTOM IN THE PROCESS*
BACKGROUND VOICE:WELL LOOKS LIKE HAPPY'S PRODUCTS ARE GOING TO HEAVEN WITH HIM*HAPPY CRIES*
DJ GREEN:IT WASN'T THE PUSH THAT KILLED THE 1 THAT WAS JEALOUS BUT AS HE FELL ON HOPOTOM HIS BONES MAY HAVE SURVIVED BUT HIS HEAD WAS BORN WITH A SENSITIVE SPOT SO WHEN HE WAS HIT HE SUFFERED BLEEDING IN THE BRAIN & HE DIED OF SHOCK TO THE SKULL
BACKGROUND VOICE:HAPPY SHINED TO HIS OWN HEART WHEN HE GAINED AN IN-PERSON FRIENDSHIP WITH HOPOTOM BUT AS PEETOM BROKE THE FRIENDSHIP WITH HIS OWN BROKEN HEART HAPPY IS NOW GONNA CHANGE HER NAME TO........SADDY
(WAY TO DIE #314 HAPPY IS NOW DEPRESSION)
(DATE AUGUST 10TH LOCATION:VANUATU)
BACKGROUND VOICE:VANUATU IS A PEACEFUL COUNTRY OF OCEANIA BUT WAIT WHO DO WE SEE HERE? MURTOM MIGHT LOOK LIKE A FISH THIEF BUT HIS MAIN ROLE IS TO SAY HI TO SEA CREATURES CUDDLE THEM & DEFEND THEM FROM NETS & FISH KILLERS;THIS WAS PERFECT FOR HIM AS HE LOVED SEA ANIMALS;THE ONLY ANIMAL HE HASN'T DONE HIS JOB WITH SO FAR WAS THE BLUE RINGED OCTOPUS THE ONLY TOXIC OCTOPUS ELSEWHERE
JULES SYLVESTER:THE BLUE RING OCTOPUS WON'T KILL YOU WITH THE VENOM UNLESS YOU'RE ALLERGIC TO IT;DESPITE THE FACT THAT CERTAIN ANIMALS HAVE DEADLY POISONS THEY'RE ALWAYS TO BE CONSIDERED HARMLESS & HAVE THE RIGHT TO BE STROKED
BACKGROUND VOICE:1 OF THE GUARDS INSTALLED A SUBMARINE ON THE WATER;NOBODY WAS ALLOWED NEAR IT EXCEPT MURTOM AS HE WAS A VIP TO THE WATERS OF ALL PLACES*HE THEN GOES UNDERWATER*
MURTOM:WHERE CAN I FIND THE OL'BLUE RING
BACKGROUND VOICE:ANOTHER THING ABOUT MURTOM HE CAN SPEAK ALL THE SEA ANIMAL LANGUAGES*TALKS TO THE DOLPHIN WHILE SQUEAKING*
DOLPHIN:SQUEAK SQUEAK*SHE POINTS THE FORWARD DIRECTION AS THAT'S THE WAY MURTOM IS ALREADY GOING*
MURTOM:SQUEAK SQUEAK
BACKGROUND VOICE:THE OCTOPUS SEEMED QUITE INTERESTED IN THIS GUY*THE OCTOPUS CUDDLES HIM WITHOUT BITING HIM*
MURTOM:AWWW
BACKGROUND VOICE:IT'S A HAPPY MEAT UNTIL........A GROUP OF JERKS DECIDE TO CAPTURE THE RINGY SPECIES*THE NET GRABS THE OCTOPUS & MURTOM GOES AFTER IT*
MURTOM:HEY YOU;LEAVE THE LITTLE GUY ALONE*HE UNDOES THE NET THEY SET HIM FREE & DRIVE OFF*
BACKGROUND VOICE:THINGS WEREN'T ALWAYS A GOOD STROLL WHEN IT CAME TO LIFE ON MURTOM ESPECIALLY WHEN THIS POOR OCTOPUS HAS AN UNEXPECTED INCIDENT WHEN MURTOM'S ARM FLOATIES KEEP HIM FROM GOING UNDER*THE OCTOPUS HELPS HIM DOWN ACCIDENTALLY BITING HIM*AS HE REACHES THE SURFACE IN A BIIG VICTORY HE GOES FROM SEAWEED*HE DIES AS HE'S HALFWAY OUT OF THE SUBMARINE*TO DRIED KELP;I'M SURE YOU ALREADY HEARD JULES TALK ABOUT SOME CRITTERS BEING ALLERGIC TO OCTOPUS POISON WELL MURTOM WAS 1 OF'EM
RAMON CESTERO:WHEN THE BRO BIT THE HARMLESS DIVER HIS ALLERGY ACTED UP AS HIS MOUTH STARTED TO FEEL NUMB ALONG WITH HIS TONGUE FACE & NECK & HE SUFFERED A TIGHT CHEST AS HE COULDN'T BREATHE & THAT'S WHAT LED TO HIS DEATH
BACKGROUND VOICE:MURTOM WAS A NAUTICAL SMITTEN DIVER WHO WENT INTO THE CUTE ZONE BUT ONCE THE OCTOPUS CAUSED THIS ACCIDENTAL KILLING HE WAS WASHED UP IN HIS SUBMARINE
(WAY TO DIE #444 RING A DING DEAD)
(DATE:FEBRUARY 6TH LOCATION:SAN FRANCISCO CA)
ROOTOM:OK EVERYBODY LET THE TOURNAMENT BEGIN
BACKGROUND:BOWLING IS MOSTLY FOR FUN BUT NOT ALL OF US ARE CONSIDERED WINNERS ESPECIALLY BEING COACHED BY THIS GUY*WHISTLE BLOWS*ROOTOM HAS RUN HIS OWN BOWLING ALLEY FOR YRS & HE LOVED WATCHING THE CONTENSTANTS PLAYING WITH EACH OTHER OR EVEN ALONE SO HIS MAIN ROLE IS TO NOT ONLY BE THE BOSS BUT ALSO COACH & KEEP SCORE*THE 1 HE'S MOST IMPRESSES WITH IS LEWTOM HE'S BEEN A WINNER EVER SINCE HE'S GOT HIS 1ST BOWLING SET WHICH IS FOR ALL AGES;HE'S WON SO MANY TROPHIES
ROOTOM:OH LEWTOM I DON'T KNOW HOW YA DO IT BUT I HAVE TO SAY YOU'RE 1 HELL OF A STAR
LEWTOM:OH THANKS MY DEAR COACH SEE YOU AT NEXT TOURNAMENT OK?
ROOTOM:ARE YA GONNA COME SOLO
LEWTOM:WELL ACTUALLY I WAS THINKING ABOUT BRINGING MY DIM WITTED BROTHER
ROOTOM:YEA I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOUR BROTHER PATTOIMTOM I EVEN SEEN HIM BEFORE
LEWTOM:EVEN WHEN HE'S SHOWN THE RIGHT WAY HE STILL SCREWS UP HE'S TRASH TRY TO KEEP YOUR PATIENCE CONTROLLED OF HIM THO
ROOTOM:ALRIGHT I'LL TRY
BACKGROUND VOICE:PATTOIMTOM WAS NEVER AWARE OF THE FACT THAT HIS MEDIOCRE GAME SKILLS WERE A HELL THE NEXT DAY HE WAS GONNA BLOW IT
ROOTOM:NOW IF YOU SCREW UP 1 TIME YOU WILL PAY FOR YOUR ACTIONS
PATTOIMTOM:I CAN'T HELP IT
BACKGROUND VOICE:EVEN THO ROOTOM FORCED PAYMENTS TO MEDIOCRE ACTIONS HE WAS NOT 1 BIT OF A FRAUD
PATTOIMTOM:LET'S SEE FOLLOW THE ARROWS AS YOU BOWL THE PINS*HE THROWS THE BALL BUT ONLY KNOCKS DOWN 1 SKITTLE*OH NICE
ROOTOM:NOT TOO BAD BUT IT WAS STILL RUSTY;WATCH AS YOU AIM THE ARROWS YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THE MIDDLE AS YOU HOLD THE BALL & THEN LET GO*HE BOWLS FOLLOWING HIS OWN DEMONSTRATION & GETS A STRIKE*
BACKGROUND VOICE:ROOTOM MIGHT NOT HAVE BEEN VERY FORCEFUL BUT HE NEVER HAD GOOD PATIENCE*MURTOM BOWLS ON THE 2ND THROW WITH EVERYONE ELSE BUT HE DOESN'T GET A PIN TOUCHED*
ROOTOM:I HOPE YOU DON'T GET A GUTTERBALL
LEWTOM:MAYBE YOU'D LEARN BETTER IF OUR PARENTS GOT YOU A BOWLING SET LIKE I DID
PATTOIMTOM:SCREW MY PARENTS I HAVE YOU
ROOTOM:OK 3RD ROUND OF THE GAME LET'S SEE WHAT YOU CAN DO HERE*WHISLTE BLOWS;PATTOIMTOM FOLLOWS WHAT THE COACH SAYS BUT AS HE THROWS HE GETS THE GUTTERBALL (PATTOIMTOM:OH BROTHER)*I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW BAD YOU ARE
PATTOIMTOM:IT WAS AN ACCIDENT
ROOTOM:IT DOESN'T MATTER YOU'RE NOT EVEN CLOSE TO GETTING OUT LAST PLACE;PLEASE DO BETTER ON THE 4TH
PATTOIMTOM:HEY SIR ARE YOU PLANNING TO DISPLAY YOURSELF IN YOUR OWN BOWLING ALLEY WHEN YOU DIE
ROOTOM:YEA I DON'T WANNA BE IN THE SKY WITH THAT FRAUDDY GOD;NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME I'LL BE HAVING MY LUNCH BREAK AT THE FOOD BAR
NEVAEH (GUEST INTERVIEWEE):GOD ACTUALLY IS A FRAUD & A TERRORIST NOT TO MENTION THAT HE'S CREATING CRITTERS TO HAVE MEDICAL PROBLEMS & FOOD ALLERGIES
ROOTOM:OK WHO'S READY TO KICK ASS AGAINST EACH OTHER
PATTOIMTOM:BROTHER IS I LOSE PLEASE PRACTICE ON THE WII WITH ME CAUSE I'M ALSO BAD ON MY OWN
LEWTOM:OK;WE CAN PLAY ON MINE
ROOTOM:GET READY*WHISTLE BLOWS;PATTOIMTOM FOLLOWS THE DEMONSTRATION FROM ROOTOM BUT THIS TIME HIS BALL STOPS*OK STOP........STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING;HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I HELPED YOU TO DO THE BALL;I HAVE THESE SHOES ON SO I CAN WALK ON THESE LANES WHEN I WANT
BACKGROUND VOICE:THE RETRIEVAL IS GOING SUCCESSFUL UNTIL SOME JERK MAKES HIM GO TO FAR*THE GUY PUSHES ROOTOM WHICH MAKES HIM SLIP INTO THE PIN HOLE & HE DIES AS HE GOES INTO THE BALL RETURN SLOT*EVER HEARD OF HUMAN PINS?
STEVEN KIM:THE PUSHING WAS A BAD INJURY AS HE FELL IN THE BLACK PART BUT WHAT REALLY KILLED HIM WAS THAT THE BALL RETURN SLOT HAS GADGETS THAT TORE HIS BODY TO SHREDS*AFTER THE CGI ROOTOM'S ARMS LEGS & BLOOD WERE ON THE BALL RETURN AS EVERYONE WATCHES IN SHOCK*
BACKGROUND VOICE:ROOTOM WAS ALWAYS PISSED BY THE SKILLS OF A WINNERS SIBLING BUT ONCE HE GOT OVER THE LANE HE'D BECOME A BLEEDING BOWLING BALL
(WAY TO DIE #450 BOWLED OVER)
(CREDITS)