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Dead Kacynski

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"Dead Kacynski", Way to Die #374, is the second death to be featured in "Locked and Low Dead", which aired on February 29, 2012.

Plot[]

Hello friends, do you remember Ted Kaczynski/The Unabomber? That sick anti-government villain who terrorized the United States with letter bombs. If a movie were made about Kaczynski, the sequel would be about Dalen. Dalen was a bitter, paranoid, nihilistic, misanthropic, anarchistic, sociopathic and psychotic anarchist who saw conspiracies everywhere, he lived off the grid with his girlfriend Elaine in an isolated shack where its electricity was powered by a wall of car batteries.

Dalen became increasingly unstable and made that Elaine prepare Molotov cocktails, he planned to firebombing a federal courthouse in an act of domestic terrorism to establish the beginning of his reign of terror. When Elaine asked if he was going to hurt people, Dalen kicked her out because he didn't tolerate anyone opposing and/or questioning his evil methods.

Before leaving, Dalen wrote his chronicle on a mimeograph, but a spark from poorly ground spark plugs caused the car batteries to explode. Dalen was covered in battery acid and also suffered from multiple broken bones from the blast, in addition, hot shrapnel hit his face, killing him and sending this sick villain to Hell.

Transcript[]

Narrator: Remember the Unabomber - the anti-government loon who terrorized the nation with mail bombs? If that had been a movie, meet the sequel.

Dalen: Everything is being watched, alright?

Narrator: Dalen was an angry anarchist, who found conspiracy everywhere he looked.

Dalen: (To his girlfriend) Do you realize what they're doing now? They put microchips in your skull, so they can find you. Now I know somebody who had happened to once. Guess what? Cancer!

Narrator: He and his girlfriend, Elaine, lived off the grid in a remote shack with a wall of car batteries for power.

Kevin Copeland: People living off the grid will do it, because they want to get away, they don't like it here anymore, they don't like the government, they don't wanna pay the bills, they don't wanna be part of this society. And what they do is heavily arm themselves, they got supplies, they got basically a shelter, and they go off the grid and they stay there.

Dalen: Aren't you done with those Molotov cocktails yet?

Narrator: Dalen had grown increasingly unstable, and was planning on firebombing a federal courthouse.

Elaine: What are we doing with them anyways? We can hurt people with this?

Narrator: Elaine was ready to ditch this raging maniac, and then Dalen did her the favor.

Dalen: (With raised tone) Nobody questions my methods! GET OUT!

Narrator: Before setting off on his reign of terror, Dalen had one last task to complete - his manifesto. He plugged his old-school mimeograph into his jerry-rigged power plant, but crossed wires caused a power surge, and Dalen got his first bath in weeks... (aggregates explode and Dalen gets flooded by a shrapnel) of battery acid.

Eddie Paul: The way a battery works features a container of plastic. It has different materials inside. When we put it in sulfuric acid, that produces electricity. The off-gas is of course hydrogen gas, and if anybody doesn't know a hydrogen does, all you have to think back is a Hindenburg, which filled with hydrogen. So you can have a large charge of hydrogen gas in there, but if you have a loose connection on anyone of those, it would create a small spark, and that would have been one of the nastiest explosions you can have.

(The scene of Dalen's death is shown again)

Narrator: Third-degree burns from sulfuric acid, and the concussive blast, were a death-dealing combination.

(Another compilation of Dalen struggling with accumulators)

Narrator: Dalen's dream of becoming the next Unabomber turned into a... (batteries explode and Dalen's lifeless body is shown) Unabummer.

Cast and Interviewees[]

  • Samm Hill - Dalen (lead: intended victim)
  • Kevin Copeland - Himself (Survivalist)
  • Eddie Paul - Himself (Engineer)

Goof[]

  • There's no Z on Kaczynski in the death card, even though it is supposed to be a pun on Ted Kaczynski

Trivia[]

  • Also called "Dead Battery" on the Spike TV (now Paramount Network) website.
  • This is based on the death of a steam worker alongside a 2001 explosion and a Mississippi plant crash.

Segment Nicknames[]

  • Dead Battery (Spike TV)
  • The Una-bummer

Foreign Names[]

  • Quedarse Sin Batería (Running Out of Battery) - Latin American Spanish and European Spanish dubs
  • Una-bomba na Cabeça (Una-bomb to the Head) [A play on "Unabomber" and "Uma Bomba" (A bomb)] - Brazilian Portuguese dub

Gallery[]

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