1000 Ways To Die Wiki

"Half-Offed", Way to Die #745, is the first death to be featured in "Death Be a Lady Tonight", which aired on July 25, 2011.


Ted was a middle-aged, well-dressed, arrogant executive who was a big shot blowhard who hurt others for fun. On this day, he is filled with impatience and anxiety, because he was late for the airport since his employee forgot to make a wake-up call for him at the hotel. His impatience grew when he had to wait in line for a taxi, while furiously berating his incompetent employee. Minutes later, Ted steals a cab from a woman in front of him. The bellhop notices this and orders the rude man to let the woman take the cab, but Ted, being the entitled man that he is, claims that the ride is rightfully his. While Ted is arguing with the bellhop and pleading his case, he fails to notice a utility truck passing by with a tow line swinging loose. Even when the bellhop told Ted to have a little respect, Ted, confident that his valiant acts of arrogance paid off, closes the trunk smugly. The hook got caught in the cab's trunk as Ted closed it, and the steel cable pins a surprised Ted to the cab. The businessman frantically struggles to get free, but to no avail. The cable tightens around a bewildered and frightened Ted, and slices clean through his portly body, splitting him completely in half with his intestines spilling all over the place as he goes straight to Hell as he deserves. The witnesses are shocked, but some are satisfied as this strong, brash, inconsiderate monster is finally dead.

"Looks like Ted's gotten himself into a tight squeeze."

Cast and Interviewees

  • Jaimie Roedel - Ted (lead: intended victim)
  • Mitch Yapko - Jimmy the Taxi Driver (uncredited)
  • Marc Fogel - NYC Taxi Driver
  • Dr. Khyber Zaffarkhan - Physical Medicine & Rehab

Alternative Description

  • "A businessman tries to steal someone else's cab when he gets hit by a truck carrying a spool of wire which gets caught between the taxi and truck aluminum siding and his body is sliced in two." (Spike TV website)


  • Also called "Taxi Scab" on the Spike TV website.
  • Ted's death is similar to that of Bernie's death in Forked-Up and Cuddles' death in Happy Tree Friends episodes, "I Get a Trick Out of You".
  • Like a Titty Titty Bang Bang, this death screaming and looking down in massive hemorrhaging, and very scary deaths.
  • The Spanish version does not finish the quote.
    • American quote: "But instead, Ted went halfsies." Spanish quote: "But instead..." (end)
      MV5BMTcyNzI5NDM4OF5BMl5BanBnXkFtZTgwMDI5ODUyMjE@. V1 .jpg

Segment Nicknames

  • Taxi Scab (Spike TV)

Foreign names

  • Abierto En Medio (Open in half) - Latin American dub
  • Demediado (Halved) - Spanish dub
  • Halbehalbe Gemacht (Made Halfway) - German dub