1000 Ways To Die Wiki

"Mastur-bitten", Way to Die #250, is the seventh and final death featured in the episode "A New App Called Death", which aired on April 2, 2012.


Palmer Muncie is a greedy, perverted con-man impersonating a state health inspector as part of a statewide scam. He goes to local hotels and motels on inspection days, and defrauds them with this tactic; He tells the gullible hotel owner that he works alone, before going into a room and masturbates in it to taint the area with his semen. Then, he shows the stains under a blacklight, threatening to shut their hotel down to extort money from them.

At one local motel, Palmer manages to swindle the employees and get a free night. That night, he goes to sleep with his blacklight still glowing.

Fortunately for the hotel and unfortunately for Palmer, however, it would soon be clear that the motel he scammed would've benefitted from a real health inspection. Little did he know, the room he managed to weasel his way into was infested with Arizona bark scorpions (which glow under a blacklight). The scorpions crawled onto Palmer's bed before stinging him. The venom immediately began shutting down his autonomic nervous system, killing him within seconds, sending the disgustingly perverted scam-artist straight to Hell.

Needless to say, Palmer was the first and only victim to be shut down by the very stains he made, thus, saving the hotel from having their money extorted. However, they would still have to deal with the scorpion infestation.


  • Jules Sylvester - Zoologist

Segment Nickname

  • Black Light Scorpions -- aired on the Spike TV (now Paramount Network) website.
  • Scorpion Dead
  • Scary Scorpions


  • The Arizona bark scorpion is the most venomous species of scorpion in North America.
  • Palmer has his tendency to say Ta-Ta! (US/UK)/ Adios! (LAT Spanish) after talking to someone. The narrator used the same word in the doggerel to mock Palmer.

Foreign Names

  • Ausgecheckt (Checked out) - German dub
  • Mastur-muerto (Pun of "Masturbación" and "Muerto"/Mastur-dead) - Latin American dub