"Mercury in Uranus", Way to Die #599, is the first death to be featured in "Gratefully Dead", which aired on January 13, 2010.
Plot[]
A frequent hospital patient named Carl Dunbar who pleasures himself by sticking common objects up his booty bungle returns when he claims to have gotten a shampoo bottle stuck in his rectum by slipping in the shower. While left alone after the bottle is removed, Carl finds a drawer containing glass rectal mercury thermometers and shoves nine of them taped together up his bean burrito. When startled by the doctor, Carl jumps back on the bed and breaks the thermometers while they are still inside of him, causing him to die of internal bleeding and mercury poisoning, much to the horror of the nurse.
"Even while recovering from his latest anal escapade, Carl was desperate for more probing. A single thermometer wouldn't do much for Carl's crater. But 9 of them taped together might be the perfect fit for Carl's bad cavern. He took the plunge with his makeshift masher. 9 thermometers going in and out his keister was making Carl perfectly...ass-inine."
Transcript[]
(Carl Dunbar is seen lying in a hospital bed, Baroque Death is playing)
Narrator: Carl Dunbar had a secret:
Nurse: Well, Mr. Dunbar. What was it this time?
Carl: (Mumbles)
Nurse: Shampoo bottle?
Carl: I...slipped in the shower...
Narrator: Carl was one of those freaks who couldn't stop sticking things where the sun don't shine.
Dr. Leslie Kobayashi: The rectum is kind of torturous. So if you lose something up there, it's gonna be around the blind corner, the valve in front of it, maybe very difficult for you to dig out on your own.
(CGI human got the shampoo bottle in the rectum as Carl had, stuck and can't dig out)
Dr. Leslie Kobayashi: The object forms a seal, with that soft moist mucosa of the rectum and no air can get in, so it's like a...try to...pull a cork out of a bottle.
([] is playing)
Nurse: This is the 3rd time in 5 months that you've "slipped in the shower".
Carl: I'm sorry...!
Nurse: Let me take a look.
Narrator: Carl was hardly the first to become addicted to butt-bonking. Emergency rooms see cases like this all the time.
Dr. Leslie Kobayashi: Some of the things I've seen in there: Carrots, a snow globe, which was square, a lightbulb, flashlight, remote control for a TV, I've seen a metal spring from a garage door, I don't know how they got that down...
(Epic Death is playing, while the nurse is away, Carl moves to the drawer)
Narrator: Even while recovering from his latest anal escapade, Carl was desperate for more probing.
(Carl takes some thermometers)
Narrator: A single thermometer wouldn't do much for Carl's crater. But 9 of them taped together might be the perfect fit for Carl's bad cavern.
(Carl puts 9 thermometers into his rectum)
Narrator: He took the plunge with his makeshift masher.
(Death by Riff Rock 1 is playing)
Narrator: 9 thermometers going in and out his keister was making Carl perfectly...ass-inine.
Carl: (Moans)
Narrator: And then, the doctor came in.
(As Carl hears the nurse coming back, he jumps in the bed, shattering the thermometers)
Narrator: There's something you don't hear every day: 9 thermometers breaking deep up someone's anal canal.
([] is playing)
Nurse: What's wrong?
Carl: (Whimpers)
Nurse: Are you okay? Are you-Are you in pain? What's going?
(The nurse uncovers Carl. Shows his rectum bleeding, Mysterious Death is playing)
-Nurse: Oh my god!
-Carl: (Whimpers)
-Narrator: Carl really screwed himself.
-Nurse: I'll be back...!
(CGI thermometers shatter, causing rectum bleeding, not only that, the mercury is in the blood vessels, infecting the kidneys)
Narrator: The thermometers shattered. Slicing through the large veins in his colon. To make things worse: Toxic mercury began seeping into Carl's blood stream.
Dr. Steven Kim: Mercury is a heavy metal. Extremely toxic. It can affect variety of things, it can inhibit enzymatic pathways, resulting in brain damage, liver damage, renal failure...
Carl: (Whimpers)
([] is playing, the nurse goes to the doctor to witness Carl's horrible situation)
Narrator: Carl gave himself the ultimate double whammy. Internal bleeding and toxic shock.
(Carl squeezes his hands and dies)
Narrator: Did he die? He really rectum-self.
Cast & Interviewees[]
- Robin Chappell - Carl Dunbar (Lead: Intended victim)
- Amy Harber - Doctor/Nurse (Lead)
- Dr. Leslie Kobayashi - Trauma Surgeon, was also interviewed for Texas Fold 'Em
- Dr. Steven Kim - Biochemist
Foreign Names[]
- Mercurio en Urano (Mercury in Uranus) - Latin American Spanish dub
- Mercurio Anal (Anal Mercury) - European Spanish dub
- Mercúrio em Uranus (Mercury in Uranus) - Brazilian Portuguese dub
- Merkuriyo ka Urano (Mercury in Uranus) - Lazoran dub
Trivia[]
- This is one of 2 deaths that appeared in Oklahoma, the other being Rub-A-Dubbed Out.
- This death was Runner-Up B in the "Worst Pervert" category in the Death By Request: Special episode.
- This death may be based on doctors and nurses’ stories of patients who wind up with various unusual objects in their rectums.
- Amy Harper, the actress who played the doctor, also played Leah in Her Own Damn Fault!!!.
Gallery[]
