(LOGO SPLATS)
BACKGROUND VOICE (Ron):HERE WE GO AGAIN PUTTING A SAD FACE ON DEATH;THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T LIKE THE ORIGINAL 1000 WAYS TO DIE YOU'LL LOVE THE REBOOT;ARE YOU REALLY SAD ABOUT DEATH;WAIT TIL YOU MEET THE COACH WHO IS A SHARK ATTRACTION THE BEACH GIRL WHO WAS SNAILED OR THE AUSTRALIAN COMPANION THAT GOT THE PT;HOW BOUT THE ASTHMATIC WHO GOT FATALLY PETTED THERE'S THE HILLMILLY WHO ADOPTED A millipede THE THE HORNY GUY WHO LOVED SO MUCH HORN & FINALLY THE CENTIPEDE IS YOUR NIGHTMARE;WHEN THERE'S A REBOOT THERE'S ALWAYS A NEXT EPISODE OF 1000 WAYS TO DIE*THE COACH SPLASHES WHILE BEING SHARKS AS THE SHADOW FALLS & THE HEART SHOWS THE LOGO*
ron perlman (megaphone):warning the stories portrayed in this show are based on real events & deaths & are extremely graphic;names have been changed to protect the identities with no actors of the deceased some of the dead were unlucky many were bored most were incredibly stupid do not attempt to try any of the actions depicted..........you will die
Ron perlman:death is everywhere most of us try to avoid it others can't get out of its way;everyday we fight a new war against germs toxins injury illness allergies & other catastrophe;there's a lot of ways to end up dead the fact that we survived it all is amiracle cause everyday we live we face........1000 ways to die
(Date:august 4th location:waterloo,independent alaska (ia))
Ron:did you know a platypus loves humans? Well that's why they're kept as pets;you can ask this Australian immigrant knows it all;tombro was an immigrant with a serious protection for his pet
Tombro:ok my little buddy daddy's gonna go buy you More food
Ron:after a shopping trip tombro was back with another pet
Tombro:hey tritom I have you a pet girlfriend Meet nixie
Ron:a few days later tombro was happy to find out that nixie was pregnant
To bro:oh Nixie you're having babies I better go get the stuff before they're born
Ron:triton didn't like being a father but he knew his wife wanted them happy*a few days later the babies are born*
Tombro:ok the males will be baltom & charltom & the girls will be nelza & triarosy;ok my 6 little sweeties i'm gonna fill your tub which is this pool but before that i'll make your food & your bottles
Ron: