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"USSR-Dead", Way to Die #617, is the fifth death to be featured in "Putting A Smiley Face On Death", which aired on September 14, 2010.


Ivan, a Ukranian immigrant fresh off from the boat, seeks to join the Russian Mafia. At a meeting at the two mobsters' hideout, they arranged for him to murder some people for not paying their debts. Ivan's weapon of choice is a tire iron. He also seeks to collect on some debts. First came Larry the Loser; he was reminded to pay up. Next came Garth; he got bonked while taking a dump. And last came Gay Gary, whom Ivan found in a gay bar. They didn't like him anyway. After Ivan murdered them as ordered, he returned to the hideout and learned there was last task. It's a Russian Mafia equivalent of a manicure; burning the fingertips using sulfuric acid (H2SO4), as so not to leave behind any fingerprints. Once the mobsters burned off Ivan's fingertips, they decided to toast for Ivan joining the mafia, with some of their homemade vodka. Suddenly after taking a gulp, they collapsed to the ground and died. That wasn't the vodka they drank. It turns out that Boris, the mobsters' loyal, but senile bartender poured from the wrong bottle which contained the acid. Like vodka, sulfuric acid is a colorless liquid. And after Ivan and the mobsters drank it, it quickly dissolved and disintegrated their internal tissues, vital organs and esophagus, killing them and sending them to hell where they belong, while Boris cleans up the bar table in front of him, unaware of the deaths of Ivan and the mobsters.

Needless to say, Ivan's time in the Russian Mafia has been cut short.

"That didn't go down so well."

Cast and Interviewees

  • Richard Lichten - Retired Law Enforcement Lieutenant 
  • Three unknown actors - Ivan and the mobsters (uncredited: intended victims)

Segment Nickname

  • Fool's Russian (Spike TV website) 
  • The boss has anxiety

Foreign names

  • Coctel Ruso (Russian Cocktail) - Latin American dub.
  • Soviético Sulfurado (Sulphured Soviet) - Spanish dub.
  • Tödlicher Wodka (Deadly Vodka) - German dub.
  • Ivan's demise

    vodmorto (vodead)